I recently became sober, almost 2 months ago, after over 10 years of alcohol abuse. It took me until the ripe age of 30 to finally admit to myself that I have a problem- that I am an alcoholic. It sucks. It really fucking sucks knowing that I will never enjoy another beer, Long Island, or swig of fireball. Then again, it was rarely ever just one drink. Whether I did actually have one or ten, I always wanted more. I didn’t want to quit until I blacked out or I ran out. Once I hit a certain level of drunkenness, there was no stopping me. That is not normal. It was not okay. I needed to change for years.
I would go through cycles. I would fuck up by getting too drunk, doing something stupid, and having regrets or not remembering what happened. After, I wouldn’t drink for a while until my guilty conscience was no longer an issue. I’d be okay and not get too drunk for a few weeks, even a month sometimes. Then, it would happen. Just like clockwork. I’d get hammered and make mistakes. This was my cycle.
I thought when I had Nova, things would change. And they did for about a month. That’s when my first post pregnancy blackout happened. I swore it would never happen again. But it did. It happened 4 more times. That same damn cycle every month. It was the last blackout that gave me an epiphany. After talking with my husband about how it would never happen again, the same old speech I gave him every time, something clicked. I knew if I didn’t change, I would lose everything and never get better. The next day I told my husband I was quitting drinking. Him and my daughter deserve an amazing wife and mom.
So, here I am. If you’re still reading, stay tuned for the stories, failures, triumphs, and memories to come from The Alcoholic Mom.
Thanks for reading.
– Carrie Harmon