I never let a war ruin me, but I feel like ruins war on me.

I have PTSD. And no, it’s not because of any combat or “action” I saw overseas (I was in the military). It’s from military sexual trauma (MST). Yep, that’s right. I was sexually assaulted in 2012 by my first sergeant (1SG), someone who was supposed to lead our company to war; someone that I was supposed to trust with my life. That event and the aftermath is what started my descent, in life and the military.

If I were honest, this wasn’t the first or the last time I would deal with sexual assault/harassment, but that’s for another time.

My PTSD comes with bad dreams, reclusiveness, and complete avoidance of certain situations. It’s a bad memory, anxiety, paranoia, hyper vigilance, and so much more.

Alcohol helped me cope. It let me sleep, or rather pass out. Now that I don’t have that, I have to feel things I don’t want to feel. Relive some of the worst moments of my life. It fucking sucks. It sucks waking up in sweat and sometimes tears. It sucks having to actually deal with shit.

But that’s what needs to be done. Through therapy, medication, meditation, yoga, CBD/THC, etc. things can look up. PTSD is not and will not ruin/ing me. Even with all the little things that will war on me, I will rise above it one way or another- and so can you.

Don’t ever give up the good fight.

Thanks for reading.

-Carrie Harmon

2 Replies to “I never let a war ruin me, but I feel like ruins war on me.”

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