Rough waters

I shit you not, this is my second time writing this blog post. I wrote my heart out and IT DIDN’T SAVE. I debated to write it again, yet here I am.

The past couple weeks have been rough. I’ve neglected writing here. I’ve been feeling really alone. Drinking crossed my mind last night. But, I made it. Here’s what happened.

A very close friendship ended last week. It came out of no where and stung like a bee. To be honest, I’m going to hurt for a while. The reasoning comes down to alcohol- her not wanting to live that sober life (she came to me on a couple occasions stating she wanted to quit and that she had a problem) and me being too much for her (my sobriety and inspirational memes on Facebook). We all know, you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. It will be okay; I will be okay. I can’t fix everyone and I can’t let these failures bring me down.

The next events weren’t as serious (to me) as what I already stated above, but nonetheless impacted my inevitable break.

I was re-evaluated by a contractor of the VA for my PTSD. It wasn’t exactly thrilling reliving my trauma and everything that’s happened since my last evaluation in 2017. I made it, though.

Next, I had a day in court testifying against an individual who helped spend my money and steal my identity (another individual stole my wallet, this was her friend) last year. I’m glad these women will finally get what they deserve. I can’t wait until it’s all over.

Here comes the good stuff. Want to know what made me want to go get a bottle of fireball? A fucking lawnmower. A stupid piece of shit lawnmower was the cherry on top. I have been trying to my lawn for two or three weeks and something has gone wrong with the mower every single time I’ve gone to start it. It’s been “fixed” a few times, yet here we are. I had apparently been building up some feelings and my lawnmower almost got me last night. I was close to saying fuck it all and going to the store. At the same time, I knew I couldn’t leave because my girl was sleeping and the helped me come back to reality. Thankfully!

There is a lesson to be learned from my mini breakdown. I need to let that shit out! No more keeping anything inside because it will end badly. I’ve become complacent and this was a great reminder that I’m not invincible.

Truth is, I’m not okay right now. I’m hurt. I’m confused. I’m faking it until I make it, for now. I’m better today, but this wound will take some time.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I’m quite hopeful it will be a good one.

Thanks for reading.

-Carrie Harmon

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